Cullens Gone Wild
by chocolatexsmores
Summary: This is just a spoof on the Twilight characters and Harry Potter combined into one story. I suck at summeries... please read! Better than sounds! I'll give you a cookie...
1. Henryy Pottah!

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Twilight…

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Twilight…. sobs or Harry Potter like characters…**

Emmet: -enters Edward's room- EEEDDDDDWWWAAAAARRRRRDDDDDD!!

Edward: must you drag out my name?!

Emmet: must you be so boring?!

Edward: pshhhh… I am not boring….

Bella: -laughs hysterically- yes you ARE!!

-Edward and Emmet are looking at Bella-

Edward: what the fudge monkey?

-Jasper runs into room-

Jasper: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! The evil Jasperoni strikes again

Edward: jasperoni?? What the hell??

Emmet: ohhhhhhhh!! I want a super-dee-dooper cool name too!!

Alice: -all excited- okay, how about… emmetillion!!

Emmet: Yesssss!!

Bella: -recovered from hysterics- when did you get here?

Alice: get where?

Bella: here?

Alice: it depends. Where is here?

Bella: Here, here

Alice: which here in here though?

Bella: I don't know!! –puts on a deep-in-thought look

Edward: that doesn't even make any sense at all! And neither does emmetillion or jasperoni!!

Jasper: don't hate me cause I'm beautiful!!

-Jasper runs out crying-

Bella picks up a CD that was under Edward's bed.

Bella: Edward, why do you have a Britney spears CD?!

Edward turns red and runs at bella with vampiric speed and pushes her out the window.

Edward: ahhhh!! What have I done?!

Four men from Port Angeles (I hope you know which ones) come out of woods

Men: don't worry man. We'll take good care of precious bella… -smiles evilly-

Edward: -looks out window- thank you!! –He says gratefully-

Bella: Edward!! Help me!! They're getting all up in my grill!!

Men: don't worry Eddie; we're taking care of her

Edward: okay!!

Man: yeah. Don't worry hottie of my whole entire world.

-Sam Uley magically appears in human form-

Sam: sobs I thought I was your hottie of the world?!

man: not anymore. take a look at the hunk

sam: -looks at Edward- FINE! I will go to Jacob to comfort me!!

bella: NOOOOOOO!! that's MY comfort partner!!

-sam and bella wrestle on the ground yelling he's mine!! when Jacob apparates into the fight-

Jacob: hey hey, no need to fight! there's enough Jacob to go around!!

man: even for me?!

Jacob: -pats man on shoulder- even for you…

man, bella, Jacob, and sam all skip of into the sunset together humming the barney song I love you-

Edward: BELLA!! –cries dry sobs-

crazed fan girls arrive

Rosalie smacks him in the cheek

Rosalie: get a hold of yourself man!! you were turning gay anyways!!

Edward: Oh yeah…

crazed fan girls: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

crazed fangirls disappear

Jacob apparates in front of Edward

Emmet: how are you apparating?? you don't have a magic wand!!

Jacob: Henryy Pottah showed me how!!

emmet: do you mean Harry Potter?!

Jacob: pffffttttt… yea right. I'm not that gay… Henryy Pottah!!

-a boy apparates next to Jacob-

boy: ello, mate!! my name is henryy pottah!! BLOODY HECK!! what is that?!

Edward: it's a her!! and her name is Tania!!

-edward hides a doll that looks suspiciously like Tanya from Denali-

henryy pottah: NOT THAT mate!! That!! –he points to a tube of blood on Edwards desk-

Edward: ohhh… well you know my gal friend Tany- I mean Bella?! – Edward looks around crazily to see if anyone heard his mistake-

henryy pottah: ohhhhh the cheek who fols oll the tyme, mate?!

Edward: oui, oui. yes, yes. well, I decided that I could try a little bit of her blood. so while she was sleeping I stuck a needle in her arm and drained 75 of her bodies blood!! cool, huh?!

alice: ohhhh… is that why she fainted, like, 80 times today?!

Edward: Yeah!

henryy pottah: ohhhhh cool!! good buy now matey friends!! I have a date with frinny geasley!! I finally dumped stupid old Tow Tang!! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!

**HEYYYYYYY!! Sorry this chapter was so short!! In my defense, it took up four pages on word!! I forgot to mention that I also don't own the Barney song, I love you. So… R&R and tell me what you think I should put in my next chapter cause I'm out of ideas… seriously. Flames accepted… but they hurt, deep inside… sobs**


	2. Spells, Jello, and Books, OH MY!

Disclaimer:

**Disclaimer: **

**Me- I own Twilight.**

**Inner Me- No I don't!**

**Me- Yes! I do!**

**IM- NO! I don't!**

**Me- go away!!**

**IM- I can't!!**

**Me- Oh yeah… well leave me alone!**

**IM- Not until you tell the truth.**

**Me- Fine! I don't own Twilight. Happy?**

**IM- Yes.**

**There you have it, I don't own Twilight. And I thought of another idea for Henryy Pottah, so here you go. You're Welcome.**

Bella and Edward are in the meadow.

Edward- I wonder how many goats it would take to screw in a light bulb…

Bella- What?!

Emmet- Ten

Bella- How do you know that?

Emmet- I've experimented that joke with goats, frogs, stones, and water.

Edward- Water?! Didn't you get electrocuted??

Emmet- Yeah. But I'm a vampire so I didn't feel it. **Says in DUH! voice. **

Edward- Oh, right.

Henryy Pottah- Ello, mates!!

Bella- Henryy!!

Bella and Henryy hug

Rosalie- Henryy!! I've been practicing that unlocking door spell.

Henryy- Oh? And how is that going for you??

Rosalie- Not so good. I was locked in Edward's closet for like a week.

Henryy- Oh, well that stinks.

Rosalie- Yeah. I have to go now.

Henryy- Well, nice talking to you, Professor Snape.

Rosalie- Did you just call me Professor Snape?!

Henryy- …No…

Rosalie- You did! I heard you! I knew that I couldn't trust a wizard!! Good bye forever.

Henryy- Okay. Bye.

Rosalie- Okay! Fine! Bye!

Henryy- …

Rosalie- …

Henryy- JUST LEAVE ANGRY ALREADY!! GOSH!!

Rosalie disappears

Henryy- Oh my Carlisle, Bella!

Bella- What?

Henryy- I am writing a book about dating a vampire. Can I ask you some questions?!

Bella- YAY!! Yeah!!

Edward- What the burger?!

Bella- Edward, don't be jealous just because you aren't dating a vampire.

Edward- I _am _a vampire. Why would I be jello?!

Bella- 'cause you're always jello. Okay Henryy, where do you want to do this?

Henryy- Do what?

Bella- Ask me questions for your book…

Henryy- What book?!

Bella- Oh mi gosh, Henryy. The one about dating a vampire…

Henryy- OH yeah!!

Bella- Okay, so where do you want to do it??

Henryy- Do what?

Edward- Oh my God.

Edward slaps his head with his hand.

Henryy- Bella! Are you ready to do the questions yet??

Bella- YEAH?! Oh my god…

Henryy- …

Bella- …

Henryy- …

Bella- …

Henryy- Aren't you going to ask me questions?!

Bella- WH- NO!! You are asking ME questions!!

Henryy- But, but, but, but, but. I'm not writing the book. You are!

Bella- No I'm not!!

Henryy- Okay, first question. Does he wear boxers or briefs??

Bella looks at Edward

Bella- Boxers?

Emmet- He wears thongs…

Emmet goes away

Bella- Oh yeah. Thongs.

Henryy- understandable…

Henryy is looking at Bella expectantly

Bella- What?!

Henryy- Aren't you going to write this down??

**There you go. The second chapter. Review for what I should put in the next chapter, please!! Thankies and Hankies!! And I know… this chapter was EXTREMELY short. I'm sorry. DON'T HURT ME!! runs away crying**


	3. Magical Portal

Disclaimer- I didn't own Twilight, I don't own Twilight, and I won't own Twilight… anytime soon…

**Disclaimer- I didn't own Twilight, I don't own Twilight, and I won't own Twilight… anytime soon….**

**Stephenie Meyer: What?**

**Me: What? **_Asks innocently_

**SM: I thought you said something…**

**Me: No…**

**SM: okay…**

**Me: **_walks away quickly _

_Edward is sitting in his room looking at his CD's. Bella is on a shopping trip with Alice._

Edward- YESSSSS!! Bella didn't find my Janet Jackson CD.

_Henryy Pottah comes out of Edward's closet, holding a pen out in front of him._

Edward- Henryy?! What the Carlisle were you doing in my closet?!

Henryy- Just video taping you. Bella's orders.

Edward- What?! You, a wizard, takes orders from a human?!

Henryy- UH!! I am NOT a wizard right now!! I am a follower of the great Isabella, leader of all things clumsy and werewolf like.

Edward- WEREWOLF LIKE?! What about VAMPIRE like?!

Henryy- She said something about Jacob having the _whole _package.

Edward- _starts to laugh maniacally _

Henryy- Okay. I am OUTTA hea!!

Edward- JA _gasp _SP_ gasp _ER!! _Gasp, gasp, gasp, gasp, gasp._

Henryy- Yo, Dawg. That's enuff gasps, foo!!

_Jasper comes into room, smiling evilly._

Jasper- What?? So now your all gangster?

Henryy- No.

Edward- But you were just talking like a gangster.

Henryy- No I wasn't, you guys are just imagining things.

Edward- Okayyyy.

Jasper- I'm leaving now.

Henryy- Yeah. Me too. Edward is such a party pooper!! GOSH!!

Edward- What did I do?!

Jasper- What didn't you do? GOSH!! Let's blow this Popsicle stand.

Henryy- Okay.

_Jasper and Henryy go into Edward's closet._

Edward- Why do people keep going into my closet?!

Jasper- It's not JUST a closet Edward!! It's a magical portal to the next world!!

Edward- OH!! What's the next world?!

Henryy-… Bella's closet…

Edward- _roars in fury _how long have you guys been using my closet to get to Bella's room?!

Jasper- Actually, this is our first time. Jacob Black showed us how to use it.

Henryy- OH!! It also takes you to a place called Hogwarts.

Jasper- OHHHH!! You mean Logdarts!!

Henryy-…no… I mean Hogwarts…

Jasper- Eh, whatever.

Edward- Well!! Let's go to Hogwarts!!

Henryy- Why not Bella's closet, mate? I mean, you guys are_**in loooovvveee**_ (_says in mocking tone)_

Edward- Okay first of all; weird. Secondly; I've always wanted to go to Hogwarts!!

Jasper- Do you even know what Hogwarts is?!

Edward- … No…

Jasper- Ugh. So typical. _**Men.**_

Henryy- Okay. First of all; you don't know what Hogwarts is either.

Jasper- _looks down embarrassed_

Henryy- Secondly; you can't say men in that tone, because you're a man too. And last, but most definitely not least, third; Edward is not _**just **_a man. He's a God. A Greek God, to be exact.

Random Fan Girls- _whistles and shouts _WHOOOO!! YESSSS!!

Jasper- HEY!! I'm a Greek God too!!

RFG- Yeah, but Edward is hotter than you. We're sorry Jazz. _Some how the RFG all knew what they were going to say, and said it at the same time. _

Jasper- _cries while on knees, reaching arms to the sky. _WHYYYYYYY?!

Henryy- OKAAAAYYYYYY. _Helps Jasper up. _You guys must be banished. So sorry… _Points wand at RFG _BANISHAMIRO!! **(A/N: I made that up… lol…) **

_RFG are still standing there with puzzled expressions, when a girl poofs out of nowhere with purple smoke._

Girl- Ello. Blimey. Where the ell am I??

Henryy- HER- MEANIE!!

Girl, supposedly Her-Meanie- Henryy?? Henryy Pottah? Where are we??

Henryy- You won't believe it if I tell you…

Her- Meanie- Try me.

Henryy- _shudders and mumbles under breathe: _I've been there before, and I DON'T want to go back. _Shudders again._

_Her-Meanie doesn't seem to notice, but of course with Edward and Jasper's extreme hearing, they start to snicker._

Her- Meanie- What are you laughing at??

Edward- _turns around to look at Her- Meanie. _What? Oh… Um… Nothing?

Her- Meanie- _is now dazzled_

Jasper- Let me walk you to the closet Her- Meanie…

_Jasper takes Her- Meanie's hand. She is now re-dazzleded. He leads her into the closet. Edward and Henryy watch them go into the closet and hear:_

Jasper- What the- HEYY!! Don't touch me !#!! LET GO!!

Her- Meanie- _growls…_

Jasper- What the eff!! Did you just growl at me?!

Her- Meanie- I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!

Jasper- _screams like a girl. _What is that?!

Her- Meanie- My vampdar!!

Jasper- And what the ell is a Vampdar?!

Her- Meanie- A Vampire Radar. GET OVER HERE!!

_A ripping sound is heard_.

Jasper- _screams like a girl again. _Alice is going to kill me!! … well you, BUT THAT"S NOT THE POINT!! This was my best designer shirt!! OHHHHHHHH… YOU ARE GOING TO DIE !#!!

Her- Meanie- _screams like a guy… I know… creepy…_

_Jasper steps out of the closet. _

Henryy and Edward- …

Jasper- I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

_There is a puff of purple smoke. Jasper looks back into the closet._

Jasper- Oh, good. She's gone… so is the blood… I MEAN _**BOOK!!**_ _Laughs nervously._

Henryy- Eets Oh- keey. She was annoee ing anee wayeees.

Edward- Why are you talking like Fleur?!

Henryy- Who the ell ees deeeseeee Fleurrrrr?!

Edward- The one that talks like Deeseee.

Henryy- Ohhhh. You mean Flour?!

Edward- YEAH!!

Henryy- She has been teaching me some French _says 'French' with a French accent._

Jasper- Okay. Well, stop. You're failing miserably.

Henryy- Okay… _looks sad._

RFG- _says to reader of this story. _We know. You forgot about us. We're sneaky like that. Anyways; AWWWWWWWW!! _Talks to readers again. _We're saying 'AWW' about Henryy being sad.

Jasper- _looks annoyed _Will you guys just _**go away?! **_

RFG- NO!

Jasper- Did you guys happen to see Her- Meanie… fall…??

RFG- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! _All look scared_.

Henryy- Okay, since my last spell didn't work, I will just have to kill you.

RFG- Oh. This should be good since you're not even a real wizard. Just a poor excuse for Harry Potter. The greatest wizard who ever lived, and defeated Voldemort!!

Henryy- Voldemort?! OHH…. You mean Voldey- Mart!! And, who the ell is Harry Potter?! And I am a real wizard. Just ask Bumblewhore. **(A/N: Dumbledore, and I know… that's why this is rated T…)**

_Henryy points his wand at the RFG again _

Henryy- Padava Ledavra!!

_All RFG's fall down dead._**  
**

Henryy, Edward, and Jasper- YESSSS!! _They all high five each other, and then step into the closet._

Henryy- TO HOGWARTS!!

**REVIEW!! They make me happy… smiles. I need ideas!!**


	4. The Weird Thing

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, and I think that I forgot to say that I don't own Harry Potter in the other chapters, so, ye

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, and I think that I forgot to say that I don't own Harry Potter in the other chapters, so, yeah. I don't own Harry Potter either or Reno 911! I LOVE that show!! Especially with Kevin-

Kyle- IT"S KYLE!!

Kyle Overstreet!! LOLOLOLOL

I also don't own the little mermaid. YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST DON'T OWN ANYTHING, OKAY?! Except for most of the characters names, SOME of THEM!! SO NOT ALL.

**I am so sorry that I haven't updated in a while but I was on vacation and my laptop crashed, so yeah. Here you go.**

_RFG- Oh. This should be good since you're not even a real wizard. Just a poor excuse for Harry Potter. The greatest wizard who ever lived, and defeated Voldemort!!_

_Henryy- Voldemort?! OHH…. You mean Voldey- Mart!! And, who the ell is Harry Potter?! And I am a real wizard. Just ask Bumblewhore. __**(A/N: Dumbledore, and I know… that's why this is rated T…)**_

_Henryy points his wand at the RFG again _

_Henryy- Padava Ledavra!!_

_All RFG's fall down dead._

_Henryy, Edward, and Jasper- YESSSS!! __They all high five each other, and then step into the closet._

_Henryy- TO HOGWARTS!!_

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Jasper- YESSSS!! We're here!!

_All step out of door that magically opened_

Edward- Where are we?!

Henryy- We are in the cafeteria.

Edward- So, we just came out of a door that fell out of nowhere, in the middle of a cafeteria when it's packed with children eating, and no one has noticed us?

Henryy- Yeah? Well, we can't all have perfect eyesight as a vampire. Oh. Burn!

Jasper- That was so not a burn…

Henryy- What did you just say?!

Jasper- nothing…

Henryy- Do you _want_ me to cast a spell on you?

Jasper- Do _you _want me to cast a spell on _you_?!

Edward- _whispers to Jasper in vampire whisper- _We can't do spells…

Jasper- Oh, right… _looks at Henryy sharply and glares_- Do you want me to drink your blood, _mate??_

Henryy- Hey, Hey!! No need to get all personal!!

_Kid with orange hair walks up to three._

Orangey- Ello, Henryy. Fancy meeting you here!

Henryy- Ugh. Ello Don. Not so fancy actually. _Rolls eyes._

Don- Oh? And why not?? Are you still mad that I'm dating Tow Tang now instead of you?

Henryy- NO!

_Henryy pushes Don onto floor and steps on his stomach._

Don- OUCH!! Henryy!! Cut it out!!

Henryy- Say uncle! Say uncle!

Don- Uncle!!

_Henryy gets off of Don_

Don- Hey! Where did this door come from?

Henryy- Oh! Um… if you step through to the other side, you can go straight to a place called Candy Land. There it is filled with sweet candy, and time never goes by!

Edward- No… remember- it's a one- way portal to my room…?

Henryy- Hee hee… He's joking Don. Come on, just step in.

Don- _steps in to closet- _Now what?

Henryy- NOW SAY GOOD BYE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!11

_Door closes and there is a purple mist_

Don- _from inside closet- _Damn it!! ALL THE TIME!! DAMN YOU HENRYY POTTAH!! I WILL GET REVENGE!!

Jasper- Ummm… does this mean he will be in our house when we get back?

Henryy- Yeah, probably… is that going to be a problem?

Jasper- no… unless you don't want him to die. MUAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Edward- _turns to Henryy- _He gets like this when he's had to much blood… just ignore him, that's what I do.

_Edward motions to Jasper who is now running in a circle with his hands over his head whisper- yelling_

Jasper- hiss hiss hiss hiss. I vant to suck your blooood. hiss hiss hi- Hey, Edward! Isn't that Bella?! _(he isn't hissing, he's actually saying "hiss")_

Edward- By golly gosh Thompson!! It is!! Bella!! Bella, love, over he-

_Henryy puts a hand over Edward's mouth._

Henryy- _whispers like the crocodile hunter RIP- _That isn't Bella, mate. That is a very dangerous and rare beauty. Bellatrix Lestrange. She is one of the Dark Lord's followers.

Jasper- Voldemort

Henryy- No! Who is this Voldemort everyone keeps talking about? Voldey- mart!

Jasper- Don't you snap at me!!

Henryy- Don't _you _snap at _me_!!

Jasper-Ex- cuseeee me?!

Henryy- Don't make me snap my fingers in a z- for- mat-ion!! _Does said snapping_

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Bumblewhore- Good after noon, children of my school.

Mystery Person- Ehm.

Bumblewhore- And children of Hagerrrrid's Ground- Keeping Jr. Committee.

Mystery Person (Hagerrrrid) - YES! Whoot, Whoot!!

Students- … _Crickets chirping in background._

Hagerrrrid- _Towers over entire student body with massive body. _EH HEM…!!

Students- whoo….

Hagerrrrid- _Squints one eye, glares, and says softly: _Do any of you know who has the right to take students out into the woods? Does any body know what's _in _the woods?!

Students- WHOO!

Hagerrrrid- _Secretly shows them a picture of his grandmother. Looks at Bumblewhore out of the corner of his eye and then back at the students. _This is what's lurking in the woods… _(Whispered)._

Students- WHOOOOOOO!!

Bumblewhore- Alright, Hagerrrrid. That's enough, thank- you. Now on today's-

Voice- IT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR ME!!

_Weird thing jumps out of no where and looks around while talking._

Weird Thing- Where the hell am I? OH. You thought you could escape me didn't you?? Well guess what red head!! Yeah! Guess what!! (_Starts to look crazy) _You're not escaping me this time!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH-

Henryy- Um. Excuse me?

_Weird Thing looks at Henryy._

Henryy- Yes. Ello there. Um, who, exactly did you say you were looking for?

Weird Thing- Oh. Um. Ha. I don't think I said. I am looking for Ariel.

Henryy- Ariel who?

Weird Thing- Ariel… um. Ariel, well, I don't know, actually. She's hard to miss though. She has a fish tail-

Henryy- A-A f-f-f-f-fish-sh-sh-sh t-t-t-a-il-l-l?!

Don- He has an unnatural fear of fishes, tails, and part human part fish things.

Henryy- How did you get back here?

Don- Oh. Well. I opened this door and there was this room. So I like, went out there, right? And there was this like girl. She was like HOTT. Not with just, one T, but with umm… Wait, what comes after one?

Henryy- T-w-o… _rolls eyes._

Don- Right. So I was all like HEY. You know, putting ma moovveessss on her. And she was all like Hi. So I was like where am I? and she was all like uh. you're in my boyfriends room. and I was all like oh, you mean Edwin. and she was all like no. Edward. so I was all like, right. and then she was like, do you know where he is. and I like pointed to the door and was all like, he's in there. and then she was all like, in his closet? and I was like, yeahhh. And she was like, okay… so she like walked into the closet so I followed her and then I asked if she wanted me to like give her a masssaaaggge, and she was all like. No. I have a boyfriend. and I was all like so? we can have a secre- and then I was all like cut off because purple mist came in so she was all like, what's happening?! and she grabbed my arm and I was all like we might die, so like you should make out with me now. and she was all like ew. but I new she wanted me so, yeah. OH! and then I was all like you're a sexy lad-

Weird Thing- EH EHM!! I AM TRYING TO BE INTIMIDATING HERE!!

Don- So? You're ugly, anyway.

Weird Thing- Okay! You die!

_Weird Thing flies over to Don and eats him. No one cares._

Weird Thing- So. Where was I?

Edward- You were describing Ariel…

Weird Thing- Oh yes, Thank you. So, she has extremely red, long hair. Last that I saw her she had a _looks at Henryy _tail. But she might have legs now? A little singing crab always follows her and this fish that she calls Guppy… So, where is she?

Henryy- Yeah. We don't have any one here that looks like that or is followed around by a crab and a fish. So, she's not here.

Weird Thing- Oh…

Henryy- Yeah. So maybe you should go, like, maybe see if she is in the water, or on land somewhere else. Because I _think _right now, we are in the sky. But I'm not sure… So why don't you go back from where you came and go find her.

Weird Thing- Oh. Yeah. Should I be taking advice from you? Yeah. Guess what. No. I don't give, a crap, about what you say.

Henryy- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Take it easy there.

Weird Thing- I'M OUTTA HERE!! You people are NO help at all! AT ALL!!

_Weird Thing kind of run, but slithers away on octopus legs, eating about six kids on her way, but Bumblewhore doesn't stop her._

Edward- Well, _talks while jasper and him are backing into the closet_ we'll see you later Henryy, It's been fun and all but I HATE YOU!

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_Edward and Jasper run into closet thing and lock the door behind them._

Jasper- Whew! That was close!

Edward- I know!

Jasper- Edward. I don't know if we would have been able to stop that, that… _Thing_!!

Edward- I know!! She was worse than Bella when she's PMSing!!

Bella- Eh Hem!! Yeah. Hi. I'm still in here.

Edward- Bella! You're here. Hurray…

Jasper- _Laughs uncontrollably._

Bella- Jasper, who the hell are you getting your emotions from?! I'm pissed, and Edward's embarrassed and annoyed.

Jasper- Oh, well sometimes, when I'm alone or with people that I don't really like. Well, I like you Bella, just not really Edward. Sorry.

Edward- It's okay. I can read your mind so I already knew that you were hating on me. Which I don't understand. I mean look at me! I'm gorgeous!! **(YES! You are!!) **

Jasper- True.

Edward- _Puts arm around Bella. _Alright. Let's go back home. I'm tired.

Bella- Edward. You can't sleep. How many times do we have to go over this, gawd!

Edward- It's just a saying Bella.

Bella- Oh, right. _Blushes._

Jasper- _licks lips. _Bella, can I have some of your blood?

Bella- Why not? _Edward_ took some while I was _sleeping_… or so I heard.

Edward- What? That's wack… Is it getting warm in here or is it just me.

Jasper- Ha ha!! How'd you find out, Bells?

Bella- Reliable source.

Jasper- Was he wearing a ninja suit?

Bella- N-no…

Jasper- a cape?

Bella- no…

Jasper- gloves?

Bella- no…

Jasper- was he wearing _anything _cool?

Bella- No. He only had a wand.

Jasper- Oh!! It was Henryy Pottah?

Bella- Yeah!

Edward- _growls _I'll kill him. I would have killed Don to if that Weird Thing didn't eat him.

**REVIEWWWWWW!! Yes!! Another chapter done. I don't know if this will be the last maybe so, maybe not. Do you guys want me to make more chapters, or no?? Tell me in your review!! THANKS!!**


	5. AN BUT U NEED TO READ THISSSS

I'm really, really, really sorry, but this is just a note

**I'm really, really, really sorry, but this is just a note.**

_sings: __**A NOOOOTTTTTEEEE!!**_

**Okay, so yeah. I just wanted to apologize for the last chapter because my sister read it over after I posted it and told me about some mistakes.**

**Ariel's fish friend was named Flounder, not Guppy. Even though I still think his name was Guppy.**

**and…**

**I forgot to say in the after note thingy what the Weird Thing was. And she was… DRUMROLL, PUH-LEASE!!**

**DUN DUN DUN DAAAAA!! The EVIL witch/octopus thing that gives Ariel her leggies………**

**BUT!! You probably already figured that out so, yeah….**

**And again, I am sorry this is just a note. If you guys want me to post more I will as soon as I can!! THANKIESSS**


	6. True Loves

**Oh my goodness gracious guys. I have not updated this story in a very extremely uncontrollably long time. I am truly very sorry. You can now throw rocks at me…**

_**Runs behind rock as smaller rocks are being pelted**_

**Without further a due, next chapter!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYYAYA**

**OHHHH this one is going to have Michael Ian Black in it and stuff from Reality Bites Back so yeah……. I LOVE THAT SHOW MAN!!! OHHH also Reno911!**

Michael Ian Black (MIB for short OMG!!! that also stands for Men In Black omgomgogmogogmogm!!!!): Last time on Cullen's Gone Wild:

_Edward- So, we just came out of a door that fell out of nowhere, in the middle of a cafeteria when it's packed with children eating, and no one has noticed us?_

_Henryy- Oh! Um… if you step through to the other side, you can go straight to a place called Candy Land. There it is filled with sweet candy, and time never goes by!_

_Edward- No… remember- it's a one- way portal to my room…?_

_Henryy- __whispers like the crocodile hunter RIP- __That isn't Bella, mate. That is a very dangerous and rare beauty. Bellatrix Lestrange. She is one of the Dark Lord's followers._

_Jasper- Oh!! It was Henryy Pottah?_

_Bella- Yeah!_

_Edward- __growls __I'll kill him. I would have killed Don to if that Weird Thing didn't eat him._

**MIB: **Will anyone ever notice them? Is Bellatrix Lestrange really one of Voldemort's

Henryy: VOLDY-MART!! VOLDY-MART!!! People!!!!!! Get it right!!!!

MIB: _Voldy-Mart's_ followers? Will Edward really kill Henryy Pottah for telling Bella that Edward drank her blood? Did the Weird Thing really eat Don? Find out next time on CULLEN'S! GONE! WILD!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

**NEXT TIME**

Edward: Finally!! We're back!!

Jasper: _Steps out of door into Edward's room_ Who the hell are you?!?

Bella: OH! That's Voldy-Mart. I think he killed Henryy Pottah!!! GET HIM!!!

_Bella jumps on Voldy-Mart's back and starts punching the back of his head_.

Edward: Bella! NO!!! _Edward pulls Bella off of Voldy-Mart._

Bella: HE KILLED MY ONE TRUE LOVE!! HE MUST _DIE_!!!

Edward: _drops Bella_ I thought I was your one true love?

Bella: Oh, well actually, I have 4 one true loves.

Jasper: How can you have 4 _one_ true loves? Wouldn't that just be _four_ true loves?

Bella: You know what Jasper!! I can make that five!!

Jasper: Was that a threat, Bella?

Bella: You bet it is!!

_Alice runs into room._

Alice: WAIT! Before you guys fight, one, you need to be changed into a vampire, Bella and two, you both need to change outfits.

Edward: She's not turning into a vampire Alice.

Alice: You wanna bet, Edward?

Bella: Oh wait!! I have _6_ one true loves!

Edward: Who are they, Bella?

Bella: You, Jacob, Henryy Pottah, Don, Bumblewhore, and Hagerrrrid. That's it. For now.

Edward: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY _falls on the ground and sobs uncontrollably._

Jasper: No Edward!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!! _Also falls on the ground sobbing uncontrollably._

Alice: Come on Bella, I'll go change you now!

Bella: YAYAYYAYAY!!!!!!!!

_Three days lay-terh (From Spongebob---which I don't own)_

Bella: Get up Edward! I am a vampire now, just like you!! Do you know what that means?

Edward: _Still on ground_ no…..

Bella: Now you're my one true love!!!!! YAYAYAYYA!!!!

Edward: Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

_Michael Ian Black steps into the room._

Jasper: Who the hell are you?

MIB: I am Michael Ian Black… you know… from Reality Bites Back???

Emmet: I LOVE THAT SHOW!!!!!!!! _Runs away screaming like a RFG (random fan girl)_

Jasper: Oh. Well, then who are they?

_MIB turns around and everyone else looks behind him._

MIB: Oh. Well that is Amy Schumer, that's Chris Fairbanks, and that _shivers_ is Bert Kreischer, and that's… well… I can't remember his name….

Person that MIB can't remember his name: My name is THEO VONKURNATOWSKI!!! Jesus! Learn my god damn name already!

MIB: Whatever, tadpole.

Theo: You can call me Theo.

MIB: Right, well-

Theo: Or Theo Von, some people call me that.

MIB: Yeah, so-

Theo: OR TV HAHAHAHA _TV_!!!!

MIB: _glares_ ANYWAYS I have a hit show on Comedy Central and I am awesome.

_Another person runs into Edward's room holding a gun and wearing a police suit._

Bella: Edward! I'm scared!

Person: FREEZE!! I am Deputy Clementine Johnson from the Reno, Nevada Police Department- or RNPD for short.

MIB: _Tries to hide his face._

DCJ- There you are! I can't believe it, Kevin!

MIB: _Looks around innocently. _Who's Kevin? My name is Michael Ian Black…

DCJ: You're not fooling anybody. Get over here!! Tell these people what you are!!

MIB, now known as _Kevin_: Hmm… let's see. I play chess, but not very well, uhm. I'm also a foodie, and a convicted sex offender, I also like to cook and play chess-

DCJ: Do we have to go over this again?!?! Go back to the other thing now.

Kevin: I'm a… convicted sex offender. Whatever _that_ means.

DCJ: Good Job! Now you get a cookie!

Kevin: Really?

DCJ: No. Now you go to jail.

_Deputy C. Johnson leaves dragging Kevin behind her._

Kevin: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Don't take me back there!!!

_Someone peeks out from Edward's closet._

Peeker: Is she gone?

Theo: Yeah…….

Peeker: _Rolls out_.

Bella: Umm… why are you on roller skates?

Peeker: Why am I _not_ on roller skates? Anyways, my name is Terry.

Jasper: Why don't I close the door so we don't have any more creepy people coming in here?!?!?

Terry: Oh my god. Do you want to be my BFF???

Bella: Um. _Blushes_.

Edward: No. She does not want to be your _BFF_.

Terry: Oh. Well do you want to join my gang?

Bella: …….

Terry: I'm in five gangs now. I started two. I started the Kitties and the Grape Slushies.

Bella: … oh…. that's… cool.

Amy: Oh my god! I'll join the Grape Slushies!! What do you do? Shoot people?!?!?!

Terry: _Puts hand on his chest_. Oh my god. I would _never_ do that! No!

Amy: Oh. Then what do you do?

Terry: We make grape slushies and then drink them. It's really fun. You should all join.

Bert Kreischer: What do you do in the Kitties?

Terry: We watch little kittens meow and then we pet them and then we pick them up but then you have to put them down because some of them scratch you and some of them also have rabies.

Bert: Oh… can I wear a Speedo? I look good in Speedos….

Terry: Sure… but I doubt that….

Chris Fairbanks: Um. Terry? Are you high?

Terry: No! Why would you ask that?

Chris: Because you're swaying and your eyes are wiggling…

Terry: I just had some skittles… here. Do you want some?

Chris: No thanks. How do you get high off of skittles?

Terry: Well, have you ever had skittles? It's all sugar….

_Meanwhile_…

_While they were having that conversation, Bella, Edward, and Jasper were trying to find a way to get them out of the room._

Bella: You guys could just, you know, push them out the window…

Jasper: That would look a little suspicious Bella.

Edward: Yeah.

Bella: _Cries._ You all hate me!!! I'm running away!!! You are NOT my true love anymore Edward!!

_Jasper and Edward watch Bella run away crying._

Jasper: Okay. Let's just push them into the closet, and maybe they'll go to Pottah land.

Edward: Yeah. That could work…

_Edward and Jasper sneak behind everyone and then scoop them all up in a huge net they found under Edward's couch and throws everyone in the closet._

Edward: YESSS!!!

_They high five_.

Jasper: Still, why did you have a net under your couch?

Edward: I don't know… maybe Bella put it there… BELLAAAA!!!!!

_Jasper and Edward both fall to the ground twitching uncontrollably._

_Alice walks in._

Alice: Hey. Have you guys seen- Oh. I'll come back later. You guys are having a _moment_.

**OKAY. So I don't really know if this chapter was good so please review and tell me what you thought. It's okay if you didn't like it, cuz I don't know if I do.**

**I didn't own people from Reno 911! or Reality Bites Back or some of the quotes they said……….**


	7. More Confusion

**I don't own Twilight because if I did… Renesmee would never had been born. Oh also, I have a question. If Charlie knows about vampires now, wouldn't the Volturri like, you know, want him dead or changed?!?!?!!?!?!?!?**

Jasper: Bella, what's that?

Bella: Oh, this is my new pet. His name is furry because he's furry.

Jasper: But, that's a fish…

Bella: Yeah. And? Do you have something against fish or something Jasper?!?!

Jasper: No… but why would you name it furry if it's a fish so it has scales?

Bella: You know what Jasper? You don't have to be the boss of everything okay? Just because I am a vampire now doesn't mean you can think all like "Ooooh!! I can rule over Bella now because she's all vampire like now!!!" NO. Just no.

Jasper: Umm…….. oh… okay….. Edward?

Edward: What do you want Jasper? I'm in the middle of giving my piano a bath?!?!!?

Jasper: Bella needs help…. and a lot of it….

_Edward enters Jasper's room_.

Edward: What now, Jasper?

Jasper: Have you met Bella's new fish? His name is _furry_.

Edward: Yeah. So?

Jasper: Oh my Carlisle!!!!!-

Carlisle: WHAT?

Jasper: I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!!! GAWD!!!!

Carlisle: Geez, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning….

Jasper: Anyways… So? _SO? _Who the hell would name a _fish_ furry?

Edward: Apparently the fish is furry Jasper!

Jasper: I'll kill you!! I'll kill you _all_!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

Edward: Bella? Can I hold your fish?

Bella: Sure, but don't eat it, okay?

_Edward nods head and puts out hands. Bella places Furry in his hands and it flops out ad falls to the floor._

Bella: Edward!!! How could you?!?!?!?

_Jasper crawls over to fish and puts it in his mouth._

Bella: Thanks Jazz!!! You saved his life!!!

Edward: What?!?!? I drop the fish and get yelled at, Jasper _eats_ the fish and gets _praised_?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? YOU ARE TOTALLY WACK AND ON CRACK BELLA!!!!!

Jasper: HEY! That's no way to talk to a lady. No wonder Bella has six one true loves!! and besides. I didn't eat the fish see?

_Opens mouth and shows fish in mouth._

Jasper: I pooled my spit in my mouth so he could breath. Smart. No?

Bella: Yeah!!

Edward: No! Your spit is venom. The fish will just die!

Bella: NOOOO FURRYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Bella breaks down crying as Jasper swallows the fish._

Jasper: Ew. I am _not_ a huge fan of sushi…

Bella: Jasper?

Jasper: What?

Bella: Do you know what you just did?

Jasper: You mean besides eating a fish? No…….

Rosalie: You just killed Bella's _sixth _one true love.

Edward: _Shocked_. Why did you just come out of my closet?

Rosalie: I um… sleep there???

Edward: You don't sleep Rosalynn. You're a vampire.

Rosalie: Ewww!!!! My name isn't _Rosalynn_!!!

Edward: Wait……. You mean her _seventh_ one true love? She already had six.

Rosalie: No. You aren't one of her one true loves anymore. Remember?

Edward: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: I'm sorry Edward. But sometimes you're annoying and I swear you love your piano and Volvo more than me… so sorry.

Rosalie: You have been eliminated.

Jasper: Your Fiiyed.

Jasper: HAHAHAH! Did you hear that? I was being Donald Trump!!!

Edward: RAWR!!!!!

Bella: ………………

Jasper: …………………….

Rosalie: …………………………………………………

Edward: FINE BELLA!!! HAVE IT THAT WAY!!!!!! I'LL JUST GO BACK, OHHHH THAT'S RIGHT!!!! I SAID _BACK_!!! TO TANYA!!!

Bella: _Gasps._ You cheated on me?!?!!?!?

Edward: Mmmmmmmm hhmmmmmmmmm!!!!

Edward's Volvo: I KNEW IT!!!!! I KNEW THAT WASN'T PERFUME FOR YOUR MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Drives itself into a wall, crashes, catches on fire, and dies._

Edward: NOOOO MY LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO IS ACTUALLY A MALE CAR BUT WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!! CRYCRYCRYCRYCRYCRYCRYCRYCRYCRYCRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ooooooooohh!!!! WILL EDWARD EVER BE REUNITED WITH HIS VOLVO?!?!?!?! LOL. I had fun writing that chapter. Mostly because I was filled with skittles……………. like Terry…………..**


	8. Razors and Shaving Cream

**I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter but I do kind of own Henryy Pottah!!!!**

Edward: _Storms into room_ EMMET!!!!

Emmet: Yes, little brother??

Edward: Where the hell did you put my razor and shaving cream?!?!?

Rosalie: Oh. Bella took it.

Edward: What? Why? She's a vampire now. She doesn't need to shave!

Rosalie: Well neither do you!!!

Edward: It's not for _me_.

Rosalie: Oh. Who's it for? _Tanya_?!?!?!!?

Edward: No. Stupid lady. _Tanya is a vampire too_. So she doesn't need to shave either. Except for the hair on her lip. _SHIVERS_

Edward: But anyways, I need it for my piano.

Emmet: What? What the hell Edward? Bella was right. You do love that thing more than her.

Edward: _No comment_. So where is it Rosalie?

Rose: Bella took it.

Edward: No

Rose: Yes

Ed: No

Rose: Yes

Edward: No

Rosalie: Yes

Emmet: No

Rosalie: Yeah! Yeah. She really did. Something about giving it as a peace offering to Voldy- Mart…?!?!?! In return for her one true love Henryy… or something like that. I don't know. I don't really care. She's going to end up dying anyway.

Edward: What do you mean? Why would she die?

Rosalie: Well…… Let's just say that she's not going to find Henryy Pottah there…… exactly………

_Thump comes from closet_.

Edward: _Opens closet and sees Henryy tied with tape over his mouth wearing a dress._

Henryy: Hmphhh hhmmhhhpp ffiilfhhhh

Edward: What? I can't understand what you're saying.

Henryy: HPPHFFF HHIIYFMAFJ JHGHHHMMPPPHHHHHHHH

Edward: Be a big boy and use your WORDS.

Henryy: _Giving up tries to point to tape with finger._

Edward: Ugh! All you wizards are so stupid!

Bella: _Runs into room holding a head._ I DID IT!!! I DEFEATED THE EVIL AND POWERFUL VOLDY-MART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmet: YAY!!!!!!!!! Can I have the head?

Bella: Sure. _Throws head to Emmet who tries to put it on. _

Emmet: Ew. There's stuff inside this mask. What did you put in here Bella. Mmmmmm…. It tastes pretty good……..

Bella: Emmet! That's the super secret brain of the almighty Voldy-Mart! Now you are going to turn into a-

Emmet: UNICORN!!!!! _Smiles happily._

Bella: NO! A-

Emmet: WIZARD!!!!!!

Bella: No!!! No! A big ugly-

Emmet: PIECE OF POOP!!!!!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! A-A-A………. fly. Oh my gosh, Emmet. I am _Soooo_ sorry. There's no hope for you now.

Emmet: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _Turns into fly and starts buzzing around._

Rosalie: _Oblivious to everything that just happened. _Ew. A fly. _Squishes fly._

Bella: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Edward and Bella hug and start making out._

Edward: So, do you love me again or are you just being a playa now?

Bella: Oh. Well, I don't _love_ love you, it's just that I couldn't find Henryy, so you were my last resort since Don was eaten by the Weird Thing.

Rosalie: Oh. Actually, Bella. Henryy is in my closet.

Bella: OMC!!! This is totally THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!

_Bella runs over to the closet, well skips, singing "Mr. Sun came up and he smiled at me. He said it's gonna be a good one just wait and see. Jumped out of bed and something something something something so the Best Day Ever can last all day!!! It's the Best Day Everrrrrrrr!!!!!"_

Simon Cowell: That was absolutely hideous and you know it.

Edward: _Growls, then starts to cry_. Why? WHYYYYY???? Why do you have to be so, so…. so…….. MEAN!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Simon Cowell: Hey! Shut yo ass up!!!!

_A huge portal opens up in the wall._

Rosalie: What the hell?

_Jessica Stanley steps out of portal._

Jessica: Like Oh my like gawd!! You can't like talk to like Edward fricken' Cullen like like that. Ugh!!!! I'ma gonna claw yo eyes out bitch!!!!!!!

_Jessica grabs Simon Cowell who is screaming like a girl and drags him through the portal by his hair._

Jessica: EDWARDDDD!!!! I STILL LOVE YOU AND HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND WET DREAMS AND I STILL HATE YOU SOOO MUCH BELLA EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE SOOOO MUCH PRETTIER THAN MEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Jasper: _Comes into room after portal leaves._ Hey. Did you guys realize that she went from talking like a Valley girl, to talking all gangsta like, then back to her normal, creepy, so high pitched and nasaly that it would hurt a dogs ears-

Jacob: It's true!!!

Jasper: annoyingly familiar voice?

Bella: _rolls eyes_. Yes, captain Obvious. We all realized that. Now go back to your swords.

Jasper: OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _Runs out of room._

**I forgot to mention that I don't own The Best Day Ever theme song by Spongebob Squarepants, or Simon Cowell. REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!! **

**I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!**


	9. Doodlebops and Epic Failures

**Heyyyyyy!!!!!!!! I'm really sorry that I haven't updated in so long… but it's not really like any of the chapters are related………….. but I started school and that took away A LOT of computer time **

**School + Brain Blocks + Other Stories = no more new chapters. D= I'M SOOOO SORRYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Jasper- No, you're not.**

**Me – Yes I am!!**

**Jasper – HEY! Who's the one here who can feel emotions?!?!?!?!?!?!??!**

**Me – You……**

**Jasper – And who's the one here calling the shots?!?!?!?!?!**

**Me- You…. WAIT. Me. What the fuck. I'm the one calling the shots!!!!!! Get out of my disclaimer!**

**Me- *pushes Jasper off page***

**Without further a due………………………… your next chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Bella – _Whistling_

Edward – Bella, what song is that?

Bella – Oh, it's the theme song to the Doodlebops. I just watched it this morning.

Edward – That's pretty sweet.

Bella – Like me?

Edward - ………………………………………………… I gotta go. *_Runs out of room*_

Bella – WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?!?!!?!?!?!? *_Goes into a depression for a few months, jumps off a cliff, almost drowns, but just stands up when she realizes the water is only up to her knees*_

Edward – BELLA! Where the hell did you go?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Bella - _*sniffle*_ Well, you hate me so I ran away, tried to drown, rode a motorcycle, almost died, tried to drown. So yeah, I've pretty much been an epic fail.

Edward - _*nods head slowly*_ Well I already knew you were an epic fail so……………………..

Bella – so…………………………………………..

Edward – so……………………………………………………….

Bella – so……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Edward – so………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… HA! I HAD THE LONGEST BLANK!

Bella – That's because your mind is blank.

Sound coming from closet – _burn!_

Edward – what the hell? Where did that come from?

Bella – I don't know!

Author (Me): Sound coming from the _closet_.

Bella – Edward, I'm scared!!!!

Edward – where the HELL IS THAT COMING FROM?~?!?!?!!?!?!?

Me – Sound. Coming from the _closettttt._

Bella – Where did _that_ voice come from??!?!?!!?? SAVE ME EDWARD!!!!! _*Attempts to jump into Edward's arms*_

Edward - _*pushes Bella away*_ Get the hell away from me, Bitch!! I ain't yo saviorrrr!! Save yourself, hoe!

Bella - _*Completely oblivious to everything Edward just said_* Where did that sound come from?

Me- _*Slaps forehead with hand_* WHY ARE YOU VAMPIRES SO STUPID?!?! DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?!?!?!? CUZ I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAY IT WITH ME NOW!!! SOUND.

Bella and Edward - ………………

Me- SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella and Edward - _*scared*_

Edward – Geez, you don't have to be so mean! _*whispers to Bella_* _Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning_.

Bella - _*nods*_

Me- NOW! SAY IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella and Edward – Ummmmmmmmmm……. What did you say again?

Me – Oh! What the fu- You vampires are so st- I don't even know why- YOU KNOW WHAT!! FORGET IT!!!!!!!!111

Me- *_Steps into computer, walks across screen with words for a bit, then jumps into words into the Cullen house*_

Me- _*Walks up to Edward and punches him in the arm_*

Edward – Ow! What was that for?!?!

Me – That was for leaving Bella in New Moon!

Edward – New Moon…… WTF? Are you a stalker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Me- _*Bitch slaps Bella*_

Bella – What was that for?

Me – FOR BEING STUPID!!! I SHOULD REALLY JUST KILL YOU ALL OFF!!! MY GOD YOUR STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me- _*Walks over to closet, turns to look at Edward and Bella, points to door, nods, then opens door and out falls……………_*

Bella – HENRYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward – DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Henryy Pottah – Hey, Bella. Sorry, I can't hang out with you anymore.

Bella – What? Why? Is it because you're turning into a werewolf and so I can't know because you don't want to hurt me even though I know you won't? Or because you are a vampire now and you don't want to suck my blood since I smell so good even though I am a vampire now too so technically you _can't_ suck my blood? Or because Voldy-Mart resurrected and is now back on a killing spree and his main target is you, so you don't want me to get hurt or killed because you would feel real guilty and stuff?

Henryy Pottah – No. I'm just too cool for you.

**So, how was that chapter? The next chapter is going to involve Jasper being a pirate…………….. so yeah, keep reading!!!! Review PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**JFC- [just for clarification] I ABSOLUTLEY love the Twilight Saga, except for Breaking Dawn and I hated the movie because I think R-Pattz is a stupid hoe and he's ugly and not Edward-like AT ALL!!!!! So yeah……..**


	10. Models and Pirates

**Helloooo there. I am sooo bored right now so I decided to write another chappie for this story: Cullen's Gone Wild!!! **

**Everyone: whoooooooo!!!!!!!!!111**

_Edward walks into room and almost immediately turns back around._

Henryy: That's right! Walk! FIERCE!!

Jacob: Uh! Like always- wait. What are _you_ doing here, leech.

Edward: Um… I was about to ask the same……

Henryy: Excuse me?!? Yes Hello. Please don't interrupt J-Dog. He is practicing his runway walk.

Edward: _bursts out laughing._

Jacob: SEE!!! I TOLD YOU PEOPLE WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND MY LOVE FOR FASHION!!!! _Runs away crying._

Henryy: Oh great. Just great. Now I have no model to try out my new ideas for wizard wardrobes.

_Looks at Edward pointedly._

Edward: Wait, WHAT? I am NOT going to be your model for WIZARD clothes!!!!!

Tanya: Yes you are.

Edward: Okay… _Drools._

Bella: I KNEW IT!!! _Takes off a Tanya mask._ I KNEW YOU LOVED HER!!!

Edward: What?!?!?! No seriously!! I KNEW that was you Bella!!.......... duh!!..... _shifty eyes._

Bella: Mmmmm hmmmmmm. Just like you thought the piano was me when I caught you kissing it!!! Hmmmm?!?!?!?!??

Edward: Really!! I could have sworn it looked _just like you!!!_

Bella: And the old lady??? What about her?!?!?!?

Edward: Um. I already told you, Bella. I thought I had traveled to another time and I thought that was you when you were 90…. Hello?!?!?!?!?

Bella: Oh right okay. So how do you explain Mike Newton…!?!?!?

Edward: Ummmmm…….. I can't explain that one……………

Mike Newton: I can!!! We're passionately in love, Bella!!!!!!!

_Mike goes to hug Edward._

Edward: EWWWWW!!! _Screams like a little girl._ GET IT OFF ME!!!!!!!

Henryy: I'll help you, mate!!!! _Pulls out wand._ Oogly Boogly Joogly Koogly!!!!

_Mike turns into a giant butterfly._

Butterfly Mike: I'm….I'm…. I'm a BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!!!! This is my dream come true!!!!

_Butterfly Mike flies out window. _

Jasper: BELLA!!! Can you come here for a moment please!!!!!!!

Bella: Sure!

_Bella backs out of room, watching Edward the whole time._

Bella: I'm watching you._ Then runs out the door and downstairs._

MEANWHILE:

Bella: You called for me Jasp- OH MY GOD. What did you do?

Jasper: _Turns to face Bella_. THAR SHE BLOWS!!!!!!!!!

_Jasper is sitting on top of the fridge wearing a pirate outfit and the whole kitchen is flooded. _

Bella: What- AHHHHH!!! _Bella gets hit by a harpoon._

Jasper: DIE WHALE, DIE!!!!!!!!!

_Jasper pulls out an oar and *rows* himself over to Bella on the fridge._

Jasper: DIE!!!!!!!!! _Repeatedly hits *whale* Bella with oar. _

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Jasper catches Bella and ties rope around her so she can't move and throws her inside the fridge which he is sitting on. _

MEANWHILE

_Heard from downstairs… _

_Jasper: DIE WHALE, DIE!!!!!!!!!_

Henryy: What the ell?

Edward: _Rolls eyes. _Once a month Jasper thinks he's a pirate and tries to capture people in his "ship", which is really just a fridge. But no one is stupid enough to actually get caught. Unless……………..

_Edward pauses and puts on a face of horror and twitches._

Henryy: Unless…. What…?

Edward: _Whispers_ Unless he has the… harpoon… _Shudders._

_Edward and Henryy stand in the room looking at apparently nothing for about 10 minutes._

Henryy: I guess we should go see if everything is alright.

Edward: Oh No!!!! BELLA!!!!!!!!!1

_Edward and Henryy stand in the room looking at apparently nothing again for another 20 minutes._

Henryy: Ok! I think we need to go………… NOW!

_Henryy and Edward run out of room._

DOWNSTAIRS

Edward- Jasper! You let Bella out of there RIGHT NOW!

Jasper- Unless you art thou willing to make a pertty trade, then NO.

Henryy- I'll help out with this, since you know. I'm one of Bella's true loves.

_Henryy holds up wand, aiming it at fridge._

Edward- NOOOO!!!!! _Takes wand from Henryy_. If anyone is going to save Bella, it's going to be me! Now what spell do I use?

Henryy- Uh. Amateur. This is so not going to work. For one, you are not a wizard. Two, your holding the wand the wrong way, and three. You are not wearing the super cool cape.

Edward- Then let me use yours.

Henryy- NO!! I will NEVER EVER give up Henrico!!!!!!

Jasper- Henrico?

_There is a puff of purple smoke and the Weird Thing comes back._

Weird Thing (WT)- God Damn it- OH!!! YESSSS!!! FINALLY I'M BACK WHERE I BELONG!!!!!

_WT wiggles over to the fridge and gets on top of it next to Jasper_.

Jasper- EWWW!!! GET IT OUT!!! IT'S SLIMY AND UGLY AND GROSS!!!!!

WT- Look who's talking!!!

Jasper- Excuse me? I am very beautiful!!!!

WT- UGH! How many times do I have to tell you stupid humans that I do not speak Piratese?

Jasper- Umm…. That was English……..

WT- Well, guess what? I don't speak English.

Edward- Ummm…….. You're speaking English now……

Don From inside WT stomach- Ello out there? Is that you Henryy?

Henryy- Ummmm……. _Puts on high pitch girly voice_ No, sorry this isn't Henryy.

Don- Drat. Sorry. Hey, can I have your number?

Henryy- _to WT_ Excuse me, but do you think maybe you could spit Don out and then chew him to tiny pieces and _then_ eat him?

WT- Nope. Sorry. What's done is done. URSULA OUT!

_Weird Thing claps her hands and disappears in a puff of smoke._

Henryy- Well that was weird.

Jasper- Oh my god, she's so gross.

Edward- Ursula? Its mom actually _named _that thing? I would have just thrown it out onto the street….

Bella- _from inside Fridge_ EDWARD! So you're saying that if I had your baby even though that's not possible because you supposedly don't have sperm and even though Carlisle is a really good doctor you didn't know that you do have sperm, and if I had your baby and it was ugly you'd throw it on the street, letting cars kill it?

Edward- No, no, no Bella. Of course not.

Bella- Ohhh…. Whew. Good.

Edward- I'd just eat it.

**SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOS?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?**


End file.
